Where is it coming from?

It happens in an instant and a wave smashes over me and I am slammed into a cycle of frustration and anger and internal turmoil that leaves my body feeling physically ill, my head hurting, and an emotional basket case. How is this good for anyone involved? How to I find a way to hit the pause button during a fight or flight moment?

I wasn't this way before. I had patience. I had compassion and understanding and a willingness to assess the situation and respond rather than react. Is it my age? My body going through changes? Or does it go back to a time when I was a child and the way I was raised and things I went through? 

My teeth clench. My voice raises. I take all the ignoring and what evs and "not going tos very personally. It feels intentional and directed directly at me in the form of defiance as if saying "fuck you". I get told "I don't even like you" and "your mean" and "I never wanted you as a mom" and ... so much more. It feels like I am in an abusive relationship that I cannot leave. I signed up for this and I am going to love her "no matter what". I cannot stop being her mom. I cannot stop loving her. I cannot give up on us.

I cannot expect her to control her big emotions when I am unable to control mine. I cannot expect her to do things that I am not doing to show her by example. I can step back during a non-crazy time and assess and plan and practice my plan, so that in the moment I can do better as her mom. I can work on me being able to work through my big feelings and focus on responding rather than reacting. 

I can make a list of known triggers and how I currently react, then consider how I can respond next time a situation arises. Practice. We are going to need lots of practice.