Change is Constant

It's a new year and all sorts of changes have happened two months prior and will continue to happen into the new year.  Our daughter began to take a low dose of medication to help with her possible ADHD. Her teacher and I answered the questions of the form, she hit all the marks for it. When I spoke with her pediatrician I explained how we didn't really like the idea of having her on medication, but that I was at my wits end with the fighting and fits and constant struggle to get her to do anything for school or at home. All her frustration and anger was aimed at me and I was having a difficult time keeping my emotions in check and wasn't always able to do so. I had also started us with counseling weekly to help us fill our tool box with tools to help us build a better relationship and be able to be better to one another by learning about our emotions, our responses, our reactions, and ways to do these things in a healthier way. Everything I had heard suggested that parents should have counseling with their child while they take the medication, so that the child and parent can navigate the harder moments that come up and encourage better behaviors from everyone.

The changes in school and at home have been amazing. We still have meltdowns; however, they are fewer and fewer as we learn ways to help her calm down and reset and refocus. She asks to do school work. She gets frustrated and says she needs to stop and come back to it later. She has earned Student of the Month for Growth because she has improved so much in her reading skills and fluency. We make sure to tell her how proud we are of her and encourage her daily to keep trying, to practice, and that she is loved. 

Our best change is coming soon. We are moving to a bigger house. We will still be in Oakridge. We have been working on boxing up our things that we can live without for the month and we are throwing things away and donating other things and deciding if there are things we want to sell. I love the reset that happens with a move. I get to decide what we really need and what we really want and what we will get new if anything. My daughter-in-law has been coming over and cleaning some this past week to give me a hand with keeping things under control during the chaos of packing for the move. I told her that I need her to keep me accountable for keeping things in their place and keeping up on the cleaning at the new place. Since I will be starting in a freshly cleaned house, I should be able to stay on top of the cleaning. I plan to make a cleaning chart that I can check things off and be able to show myself that I have done it and hold myself and others in the house accountable for keeping things organized and clean. It is going to take a lot of will power and self discipline on my part. It has been so easy to say that I will do it in the morning or I'll get to it tomorrow or on the weekend. It's a dangerous slope to slide down when procrastination takes over the brain and body.

I want to create a flexible schedule for chores and self-care that allows me to pick when I do things during the day as long as I am doing them before bed and not all right before bed. I may choose to write in the morning for fifteen minutes after my daughter leaves for school and before I go to work, then start laundry before I head to work. Once I get home from work I might empty the dishwasher and load any dirty dishes from the morning meals. After that I could choose to make dinner and switch laundry. After our daughter goes to bed I can load the dishwasher with any dishes from dinner, then sweep and mop the floors before taking an hour before bed to do whatever I so desire. The way I choose to do the things I need to do is completely up to me and how I am feeling that day. The important part is that they get done before bed.

Life is chaotic. I want to be better at planning and organizing and keeping up with the house. I know that it is possible most days, but there will be days that don't go as planned, that have the unexpected happen, and all the plans go out the window and wait for another day to find their place again.

Where is it coming from?

It happens in an instant and a wave smashes over me and I am slammed into a cycle of frustration and anger and internal turmoil that leaves my body feeling physically ill, my head hurting, and an emotional basket case. How is this good for anyone involved? How to I find a way to hit the pause button during a fight or flight moment?

I wasn't this way before. I had patience. I had compassion and understanding and a willingness to assess the situation and respond rather than react. Is it my age? My body going through changes? Or does it go back to a time when I was a child and the way I was raised and things I went through? 

My teeth clench. My voice raises. I take all the ignoring and what evs and "not going tos very personally. It feels intentional and directed directly at me in the form of defiance as if saying "fuck you". I get told "I don't even like you" and "your mean" and "I never wanted you as a mom" and ... so much more. It feels like I am in an abusive relationship that I cannot leave. I signed up for this and I am going to love her "no matter what". I cannot stop being her mom. I cannot stop loving her. I cannot give up on us.

I cannot expect her to control her big emotions when I am unable to control mine. I cannot expect her to do things that I am not doing to show her by example. I can step back during a non-crazy time and assess and plan and practice my plan, so that in the moment I can do better as her mom. I can work on me being able to work through my big feelings and focus on responding rather than reacting. 

I can make a list of known triggers and how I currently react, then consider how I can respond next time a situation arises. Practice. We are going to need lots of practice. 

Backyard Adventure

Today I was out in my cage and found a way to escape. I found the joy of hopping through the grass, stopping and tasting the sweet grass, and then I went freely back by my cage waiting to be picked up and loved on.

I hopped around inside the house a little bit too. I got to go in the girl's bedroom and hangout on a blanket. I got to have the top off of my pet carrier and hop out and hide under the top of it that was on the floor next to it. I got to do a few TikTok videos too. Maybe someday I will be the famous Snowball! 

The Snowball Chronicles: getting used to my people

It's my turn to tell my tale. Being a bunny in this house is full of a lot of the girl wanting to hold me, pet me, and feed me. She's five, so I guess that is a thing for humans that are five. The girl does okay most of the time. I really like the long grass shoots she feeds me. I don't like the waving of the grass stock in my face, but she will learn. 

The mom is always watching out for me. She tells the girl, "be calm" and "give the bunny a break". I hangout in the girl's lap on a towel or blanket. I explore the small space I have to roam around. The girl let's me sneak off the towel and onto the couch. I love exploring. The mom says someday I will be allowed to explore more, just not yet. I wonder when "yet" will be.

Today I woke up in my pet carrier in the girl's bedroom. I got moved out to the living room and had my carrier opened and fresh water and fresh food given to me. I get my fill of carrots and lettuce and grass. 

I spent part of my day outside in my bunny kennel enjoying some time away from being handled. It was relaxing. 

In the evening I got brought back into the house and got to spend some time hangout with the mom, snuggling in her robe, and warming up. Once I warmed up and started coming out to explore the girl took me and I got carried around the house and got to see different room. When we went into the kitchen I was given delicious veggies! 

I think I am going to like my new home. I feel so much love.

Snowball Goes Home

Snowball was born shortly before Easter in the year 2021 and spent the first month of life living in a rabbit hutch surrounded by many other bunnies while awaiting the day it would be time to meet a little girl and go home with her. "Oh, she's so adorbs!" exclaimed the girl. Out of all the bunnies available a little white angora with blue eyes caught her eye and was instantly named Snowball.

A cardboard box has become Snowball's temporary housing. A plastic french onion dip container is the watering dish. Carrots and broccoli are set in a corner of the box for snacking on. Snowball settles in for the first night.

The mom gets home later that evening and is introduced to the oh so soft angora. Snowball snuggles into the mom's shoulder as she pets. The mom walks into the girl's bedroom with Snowball to say good night. Snowball starts to try and scurry up the mom and suddenly nature calls and Snowball pees on the mom's hand and the girl's hand gets pee on it too. Things move quickly as Snowball is set back down in the box and everyone is washing their hands. 

Early the next morning the girl, excitedly asks to hold Snowball. Over the next four hours Snowball is gets lots and lots of snuggles and hugs and petting. The mom keeps telling the girl to let Snowball hangout in the box. Snowball wants to explore and the girl wants Snowball to explore. Until the mom is more comfortable with the girl and Snowball exploring, explorations are limited.